Part Two on Narcissism (Coming soon Red Flags 7 through 10).
Note by Author: Please read Red Flag Series - Part One, "Idealisation Phase" first (former post on Narcassism, Red Flags #1 through 6)
You'll win no discussion with them because they won't change their opinion
Forget about discussing and resolving issues with a narcopath. Isn’t ever going to happen. Why? Because narcissistic sociopathic people do not like to be held accountable for their actions.
They will invalidate your feelings, deny what happened or try to turn the tables. What’s even more absurd is if they're anything like him, he will accuse you of hurting him!
It’s likely you will see a combination of all these reactions, as well as what psychologists refer to as "narcissistic rage." This is an adult temper tantrum, similar to what you'd see in a two-year-old who can't get his way.
Trying to get your narcopathic boy- or girlfriend to take responsibility for the harm (s)he’s caused you and countless others will likely put an end of your relationship.
Try not to mourn this fake love match for too long. Your life will be much more peaceful without him.
By the time you've noticed the relationship is one sided, it's already entered the "devaluing phase".
At first, narcopaths will idealize you, just like they will your family and friends. However, inevitably, you will do something to "disappoint" them. That's when they remove you from your pedestal and replace you with someone else or an old ex they can recycle.
You may not even be aware that you “disappointed” him/her. This could be something as simple as making a joke about their new hair style, making a remark that doesn't fit their beliefs, not jumping up when they need your help, not giving money when they want it, not agreeing with them on a certain topic or asking questions once you get suspicious something is 'wrong'. It won’t even cross your mind these are deal breakers, because in a real relationship, they are not deal breakers.
Once they begin to devalue you, that's when you’ll notice more moodiness, coupled with critical remarks and subtle attacks on your character. This is also when the narcopath takes the opportunity to conduct a smear campaign. They'll accomplish their mission of destruction by getting others to turn against you, after they've heard outrageous lies about your character, and you’ll never know, because most people won’t confront you with what they heard. Someone will, though, and it will be at that moment you realize (s)he was spreading lies and gossip about you. (S)he does this to feel powerful and to garner sympathy.
By all means, confront them with how you feel about their abusive and manipulative ways. If you don’t then you’ll forever be walking on eggshells, worried the least little tiff will spell doom for your relationship.
Get a little perspective here. Normal relationships aren’t like this. Normal relationships are based on love and trust, give and take.
If (s)he doesn’t SHOW you (s)he loves you, and you FEEL (s)he can’t be trusted to be loyal to you, and (s)he never gives anything to the relationship, but takes everything, then why are you even concerned. Kick them out of your life. Will it hurt? It probably will, but it won’t hurt near as long as staying in an abusive one-sided relationship, now, will it?
Above all, don't expect an apology, or any real change on their part. As a matter of fact they will tell you bluntly that they have no intention to change or can't change. Any promises of change (s)he makes are only to fool you. Has (s)he kept ANY promises (s)he’s made to you? NO.
I rest my case.
Published by Badass Yoga Rebel, a happy survivor of narcissistic abuse
About the Author
Badass Yoga Rebel, otherwise known as Corinne Voermans, founder of Happy Buddha Aruba writes about all sorts of topics but primarily about how to maintain a healthy relationship with yourself and others based upon her own life experiences and challenges. With the help of many co-authors its her mission to help and support others going through rough times. May there be light at the end of the stairway to heaven. Realise that before we get there you're going to sweat. The steps can be filled with obstacles. You could fall a couple times by taking a misstep but in the end its about the climb and reaching the top. Don't be scared, you're not alone, others will help you move on so be fearless through the struggles of life for it's the only way of becoming your true authentic self. Namaste