Article: Closure without Contact "Let go of the Illusion, find and listen to the Truth, Move on with more Love in your Heart"; You're Free
This article is especially written for those who have experienced 'sudden break up' and consequently heart brokeness, shock and PTSD because they were left with so many unanswered questions. For those who were given the 'silent treatment', for those who tried to get answers but we're fooled by lies and deceit, for all those who came to the conclusion that the person they were involved with turned out to be a pathological liar, a narcissist or even worse a psychopath. If you're really lucky you get all 3 in 1 package (like I did). You didn't know such 'evil' existed, NOW YOU DO. Consider it a gift/test from the Universe/from above because once you get through this you can READ ANYONE.
Let me give you some tools how to deal with the aftermath of the break up in order to come to a form of closure.
"For the purpose of this article I will refer to 'the psychopath' because he/she has a mental disorder (psyche = mind, pathology = disease). Let me very clear...Although in the entertainment industry, the word psychopath is pretty much synonymous with murderous madman, most psychopaths in reality aren’t violent or sadistic. The most important characteristics of a psychopath revolve not around violence, but around lack of empathy, selfishness, and manipulation. True, some psychopaths may use these traits to commit crimes, but others rely on their manipulative nature and ability to charm for other things. As a psychologist I am licensed to 'diagnose', although I don't like putting labels on people. I have chosen this profession because I want to help 'sick' people and un-label them. Unfortunately literature shows that psychopathic behaviour is very difficult to treat because the ones affected will do their very best to deny it or cover it up. Even for professionals its hard to discover but once you 'see' you 'know'.
All survivors of psychopathic abuse know how extremely difficult it is to cut 'ties', to come to any kind of healthy closure after the psychopath has left you 'out of the blue'. Usually they'll tell you that they aren't 'happy' any more (they're bored), that they choose 'themselves' (they're ego-centered and selfish) and/or that they can't continue the relationship because of incompatibility (which is an excuse because they're afraid you'll find out the truth, i.o.w. they feel that their true identity will be unveiled soon so they try to protect themselves). So when they drop the bomb that the relationship is over you're basically left clueless and in disbelief.
If you have experienced this or if you ever are to go through such a confusing ordeal the best thing to do is NO CONTACT.
"Don't make the mistake I made. I tried to get answers immediately from my ex but he completely disregarded me, blocked me on FB, WhatsApp and SMS. We were together for 3 years, engaged to get married, so to not get any replies to any of my Q's was very painful (to say the least). That's not how you treat each other. That's not adult behaviour. And because of this a lot of BELLS went ringing. My inner voice saying something was terribly wrong but I wouldn't believe that it was possible that I had become the victim of a master manipulator, a chameleon, an opportunist, a psychopath..sleeping with my enemy. I searched the Internet and brought out my Psychology books and when I read, recognised and relived our relationship in my mind then I saw and knew. He's fits most of the criteria of a psychopath. They are the worst of the worst. So I wrote him a 'Good bye Letter' and established 'NO CONTACT' after 4 weeks, something I should had done from the very start of the break up".
Most survivors of psychopath abuse try to pick up the pieces of their shattered hearts and lives all by themselves after 'no contact' is implemented. Many survivors write that what they want more than anything is to find closure. Some hope that they can somehow obtain that closure from the psychopaths. Others are convinced that closure is absolutely impossible. All survivors wonder, at some point during their recovery journeys, if they will ever find a way out of the darkness.
The good news is, YES, closure is possible. And the bad news is NO, it will not come from the psychopaths! It must come from within. The following are points on a possible path toward closure. This road map does not have a timeline, and many of the points overlap:
1. Try to let go of the illusion
The first step in healing psychopathic abuse is to stop all contact with the person. And the only way to do that is to let go of the image you had of the person you loved. Unfortunately and sadly, that person never existed. He or she was only an illusion, a mask the psychopath created in order to mirror and manipulate you. As crushingly hard as it is and as much as it hurts, the only way to find freedom is to stop believing in that illusion.
"I clearly remember the first encounter with my ex; I thought he was the perfect partner for me! He seemed to understand me so well, and we had all the right things in common. It almost felt too good to be true! Then when I discovered that I had been so deeply betrayed by him, in ways I never imagined were possible, I realized it always was too good to be true. All of it was a lie…except for me and my feelings for him. I was real, and my feelings were real. And in the midst of the intense pain, I held on to the light—the light of truth—that was just barely left in my soul. Letting go of the “dream man” he pretended to be brought me closer to my own heart.
So please take my advice and do your best to let go of the 'illusion'. When you let go, you’ll start to find the real you".
2. Search for answers—but stay safe!
"When I realized that I had been involved with a psychopath, I had a very strong urge to go on what I call “my truth-finding mission.” Everyone around me—absolutely everyone—discouraged me from investigating. But I felt deeply compelled to uncover as many lies as I could, so I disregarded their advice. It turned out that I made the right decision, because I conducted my mission without making contact with my ex or anyone connected to him. I also did not reveal my new knowledge to him or his fan club, although I desperately wanted to. Finally, when I exhausted every anonymous avenue available to me, I stopped. I was far from healed, and I uncovered only a portion of the truth, but I felt that I had reclaimed a part of myself. The entire process was an important step in rebuilding my self-respect.
It is completely okay to search for as many answers as you can, to uncover as much of the truth as possible, as long as you follow the no contact rule".
3. Research psychopathy
An encounter with a psychopath is not like a normal relationship, which means the aftermath is going to be very different from a typical breakup. Survivors are left with so many WHY questions, and those questions need to be answered in order for healing to occur. Survivors also tend to blame themselves for what happened, often because others do not understand what they have been through and usually make insensitive statements like, “Why did you stay?” or “Why didn’t you see the signs?” or “It takes two to tango.”
But psychopaths are abnormal! At the time of the first encounter, you did not know that people like this exist. They'll seem so nice, so charming, so perfect and you were innocent.
Be ready for others to discourage you from “focusing on them”—they might imply that it delays your recovery—but researching psychopathy actually helps you make much progress in your own healing. By learning to recognise the common tactics and games of psychopathic predators, you will realise that the abuse was never your fault. By learning how the psychopathic mind works, you will realize you were set up from the very beginning. And when it all begins to click for you, that’s when you start to reclaim your power!
4. Allow yourself to feel and think
All normal human beings attempt to avoid pain. Yet, paradoxically, it is by facing the pain and moving through it that we find beauty, because on the other side of our deepest suffering, we have the opportunity to experience the greatest joy.
As you heal, you will find yourself moving back and forth through the stages of grief that are unique to the aftermath of an encounter with a psychopath (I'll dedicate another article on this grieving part).
Allow yourself to feel all emotions as they come over you, which will most likely happen in waves. Also, allow the thoughts of the psychopath in when they overwhelm your mind, even though you may feel as if you are going crazy because you can think of nothing else. Continuously pushing the obsessive thoughts away can actually be more harmful than helpful.
You most likely are experiencing symptoms of PTSD, and it is important to find resources that can help you work through the trauma of what has happened. This might include therapy and/or other healing techniques (like yoga, meditation, Reiki, Sound therapy, keeping a diary of thoughts, writing poems because you'll experience feelings and creativity like never before, etc).
Amazingly, if you step into the pain instead of run from it, you begin to see who you are at a deeper level. You develop self-respect and self-love and new confidence. You learn to trust your intuition. And when you are able to trust yourself, then you will start to find others who are worthy of your trust.
5. Accept what you can and cannot control
"When I learned the truth about the psychopath, I was extremely disturbed to realize that such people exist in the world (and so close to me). All of a sudden my dream relationship was over, and I was deeply upset to see the psychopath move on to his new target, seemingly happy, posting pictures and saying how wonderful life is only 3 months after we were supposed to get married. But even this is documented in the books. The psychopath will show his new victory very soon to the world (like a hunter is proud of his new pray) for he has no conscience, suffers from a total lack of discretion, integrity and decent behaviour. They don't care about the devastation they left behind (innocent 'broken' people).
Thing is I discovered that the affair with his 'new love of his life' had been going on for quite some time during our relationship. Not only with her, no no no... he had a whole collection of women. When people showed me the pictures of this new conquest I was disturbed but also prepared because I already knew. Off course he presents himself online like the 'Mr Zen of Love or the next incarnation of the Dalai Lama' thereby making himself utterly 'ridiculous'.
It also proofs to me that I don't have to expose the psychopath for the monster he is, he will eventually do it himself because 'actions' speak louder then words and if your life is filled with different "loves of your life" then it will become very difficult at a certain time to be taken seriously. The world will see how the psychopath continues to repeat the same destructive behaviour. It will become predictable and clear. It's like digging your own grave, but I just call it Karma.
So I don't have to do anything to stop him from lying, manipulating and hurting others. I know I can't convince his new target of the truth (yet, see former articles). And I know I can't make him feel remorseful for what he did to me and others who preceded me.
What WE (the women he left) can do is focus on our own healing and our own life. When I made the choice to do that, one day at a time, I gradually felt happier and more peaceful. I still wage a daily struggle to relinquish the desire to control what I cannot control, but, thankfully, it is not nearly as difficult as it used to be.
You will never receive traditional “closure” from the psychopath. But the light you can discover within your own soul is so much better!
6. Trust in your own unique truth
Perhaps the most significant epiphany during my recovery came when I finally was able to believe in myself and trust in my own truth. Psychopaths are eerily similar in so many ways, and yet many of the details of my encounter seemed so different from other survivors’ stories. As I struggled to make sense out of what had happened to me, I heard so many opinions from so many people about how to heal, about who I was, about who I should be, about what to believe. I questioned myself, as I always had, and as long as my intense self-doubt remained, my pain lingered. Ironically, it was only after reading survivor story after survivor story, so similar to mine and yet so different, that the fog began to lift. Only after reading so many other stories, and only after seeing my own worth, was I able to see the truth in my experience. I still have doubts, about so many things, but now I put them in perspective and listen first to the voice within my heart.
You have a similar voice in your own heart. Listen to it.
And please hold on to this truth: "You can find closure without contact, and you can find peace on the other side of the nightmare. Read and learn about psychopathy, move through the pain, take back your power, and most of all, strive daily to believe in and love yourself, your most AUTHENTIC SELF. You are your own best guide, go slow sweet beautiful soul and if you need me I am there. Together we shall warn others, aid in prevention and/or help recover, Namaste"
Published by Badass Yoga Rebel, a happy survivor of narcissistic/psychopathic abuse
About the Author
Badass Yoga Rebel, otherwise known as Corinne Voermans, founder of Happy Buddha Aruba writes about all sorts of topics but primarily about how to maintain a healthy relationship with yourself and others based upon her own life experiences and challenges. With the help of many co-authors its her mission to help and support others going through rough times. May there be light at the end of the stairway to heaven. Realise that before we get there you're going to sweat. The steps can be filled with obstacles. You could fall a couple times by taking a misstep but in the end its about the climb and reaching the top. Don't be scared, you're not alone, others will help you move on so be fearless through the struggles of life for it's the only way of becoming your true authentic self. Namaste