This is part Three on Narcissism, follow up to Part One and Two (see previous articles). These Red Flag Series are a prelude to my book "I can't read you" which will be published end of 2016.
Trust me ...I can read him now and a lot of other people with me! Funny thing is I am grateful for the experience because it gave my a higher insight and it healed a lot of old wounds. He had to come into my life story to fulfil his part. Like with every soap opera actors enter and leave the stage again. I keep on writing my own script and I have to thank him for an important side role he played to well.
Note by author: "I tend to talk in terms of the narcissist being a male but female narcissists exist and are just as destructive. The phases of the relationship are the same whether the narcissist is male or female".
Following article is a "future letter" to the next victim.
Note by author: "I know your name (victim), I know how he found you. I feel a lot, get answers through meditation, I know where to look and I do my research. What I regret is that I can't help you because you won't believe me right now. You're still in Phase 1 (you're still in the first 6-7 months of honeymoon/idealisation phase, maybe it will last an year or so if you're lucky, it all depends on how much you adore and supply him, especially with sex but he'll grow tired and bored with and you'll get frustrated of having the relationship become one-sided). Eventually I can help you see the truth and overcome your break up if you let me, for it's become my mission to help victims find and love themselves again.
I am a ReBalance counsellor, a healer, a psychologist, a yoga teacher and a survivor of narcissistic abuse by the same man.
My name is Corinne, alias Badass Yoga Rebel, also known as Happy Buddha Aruba. I am sane of Mind, healthy of Body and strong in Spirit. I speak my truth, appreciated by many and hated by others. I know. I don't care. I feel protected. If no one talks about this then he will get away with it each time.
So most probably there will come a time that you want to talk to me. I can sense it and I have a lot of answers for you".
"So, you are wondering what the hell happened aren’t you? You thought you had met your soul mate and you were the luckiest person in the world. Of course in phase 1 you weren’t questioning your relationship, but like a switch going off everything changed, even if you can’t put your finger on it, something is very wrong. You entered phase 2, for a while you just chalked it up to him having a bad day, or maybe he seemed sick, maybe he has a brain tumor, or he's having a nervous breakdown, it took a while before you started searching for answers about why the love of your life had turned on you.
Note by author: "I was into the relationship for more then 2 1/2 years about to get married to him before I went looking for answers and even then, once I found NPD in my old Psychology books from university and he fitted the description almost to a T and our relationship followed the same stages described on various websites, I still couldn't believe he could be unfaithful or would discard me so callously. I believe everyone has good in them because I meet so many amazing souls/clients on a daily base".
It is almost impossible to get your head around the notion he could ever just toss you aside like you meant nothing and not even look back. If anything; while you are reeling in pain from the relationship ending he’ll take the opportunity to give you a kick in the guts a few times for good measure and make sure you know it is all your fault.
If you are in phase 2 and think you are hurt and confused please believe me it is nothing compared to the excruciating pain of phase 3. You would be doing yourself a HUGE favor to get out now. Let me give you a brief overview of the 3 phases.
During this phase he's very loving and is on his best behavior. He can be extremely charming and loving, which often makes you fall head over heels in love with him.
Note by author: "In the beginning I felt he cared for me more than I cared for him but I had never been loved like that in my life and that is very hard to walk away from. I was perfect in his eyes, to quote him, “Don’t ever change, I love you just the way you are.”
If he's cheating on his present partner with a new lover, it is often more due to the actions of him than the lover that the relationship started in a first place.
While pursuing a new lover, he's often claiming that he is very unhappy or dissatisfied in his current relationship, the woman takes him for granted or abuses his good nature. He will say he has tried and tried and done his grieving of the relationship long ago.
He has had to stay because he’s afraid she’ll try to kill herself if he leaves, or she just won’t accept that its over. He's about to get a divorce/separation, has never felt as strongly towards anyone else as he's now feeling towards the new lover, etc.
If you are the married one he'll become your best friend and perhaps even befriend your husband, he'lll point out how your husband takes you for granted, tell you he wishes he had a woman like you, he will (pretend to) be your perfect match, totally into you, always so happy to see or hear from you, wanting to know all about you, your hopes and dreams, you will feel attractive, appreciated, it will be exciting, his romantic gestures will take your breath away, the love-making like nothing you have ever experienced before, you will feel like the sexiest most desirable woman on earth.
You'll feel you must have this man in your life, you can face anything as long as he has you in his arms. It is intoxicating, you can not believe your good fortune to meet this wonderful man and he proclaims to love you until the day you'll die.
He knows how to say all the right things to make you fall hard.
Unfortunately this “honeymoon” period never lasts for long. He soon grows bored and restless and starts to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply or will try to recycle a previous ex..
This is when you enter the devaluation phase.
During this phase his behavior changes, he becomes cold and uncaring almost overnight. This is when the “mask drops” and you see the real person. He no longer tells you how much he loves you, but instead becomes increasingly critical towards you. Suddenly he finds all sorts of flaws in your behavior and possibly also in the way you look. You start to feel increasingly unhappy and depressed, because you have no idea what you have done to deserve to be treated this way. You'll try to “make him love you again”, however nothing you do seems to be good enough and what he wants seems to change with the wind. He accuses you of things you aren’t thinking or doing, is controlling, twists your words, where once you could talk about anything calmly and rationally, now every thing turns into a discussion. He accuses you of being paranoid, yet he'll be snooping through your phone and computer.
A rule to remember; "If his lips are moving, he's lying".
He can look you right in the eye and tell you a lie, he can cry real tears and could get an academy award for his acting abilities.
He may be loving in public and then treat you with disdain when you get home, yet expect you to stay loving and giving until he's firmed enmeshed in a new relationship. It will be a very confusing time you, one minute you're treated with disgust and the next he's loving, you're blamed for the problems in the relationship but anything you do to mend the fences is never good enough. You'll be accused of causing conflict, yet if you give into him you'll treated even worse.
Once he drains his supply, the supply refuses to comply with his demands or when he finds better supply he's ready to move on and if he doesn't have new supply lined up he'll set out to find a new source. At this point he is obvious in his infidelity, short tempered and generally acts as if he hates sharing his air with you.
He'll pick his new love interest by what they have to offer him, it might just be a roof over his head, your reputation, perhaps to advance his career, a surrogate parent for his child, status in the community, or something as simply as sex.
You'll find yourself walking on eggshells for fear of sending him into a rage. Everything is your fault, you are paranoid, too sensitive, causing drama and you should know he hates drama. More than likely some addiction like obsessively watching porn has surfaced or he forces you to perform sex acts you aren’t comfortable with, the great sex you once had is a distant memory unless he's trying to win you over after a really bad fight.
During this phase he may start to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply and may end up cheating or having an affair, however still keeping the current spouse hooked, just in case the new relationship does not work out the way he's hoping. He'll get a huge ego boost from thinking that two people (the current spouse and the secret lover) are “madly in love” with them. Plus he'll get off on being able to pull something off right under your nose.
He'll fly into a rage that you could possibly think he would ever cheat on you and turn the tables so you end up apologizing for accusing him or for some other crime you committed months or years ago. His crimes are brushed under the carpet while yours are always brought up and never forgiven, even crimes you didn’t commit or even think about committing.
They often play one against the other creating "triangulation", and then sit back and watch the show. Nothing feeds the ego like having two lovers fighting for your affections; doing the “pick me” dance. Often times he'll leave evidence of his cheating around for you to find because your pain serves up such delicious narcissistic supply.
During the discarding phase he becomes totally indifferent to your needs or pain. Once you're no longer useful to him he'll discard you like yesterday’s garbage. When he reaches this phase, there is no chance to reason with him.
Many survivors will say that the discard “came out of the blue” everything was fine and then he sent an email saying it was over, he just packs his suitcase and leaves you or you're thrown out of the house with nothing, and he's immediately involved with “the next love of their life” and you're portrayed as the psycho bitch.
But when you talk to other survivors it comes out that there were signs but he denied their suspicions, accused them of not loving him enough or that things just couldn't go back to the way they were.
Note by author: "I realised at a certain time that I had been emotionally and psychologically abused but had gotten so used to him being distant that the discord had just become “the way we are” and I was OK with it still because I believed he would never truly leave me and was going through an emotional time himself".
Then you'll discover that he was planning his exit for a long time, has been slandering you behind your back, hiding or stealing money, and has his next replacement(s) lined up.
If you try to beg him to get back together with you, you are only feeding his ego and providing him with a transient source of a narcissistic supply. He wants you devastated at the thought of losing him and you'll end up drained, confused, with your confidence and self-esteem in shreds.
A feeling of doom pervades everything in your life and you could suffer from PTSD (if you're already had some troublesome relationships and that's exactly the reason why he picked you). There is no way to have an amicable split from him. When he's done with you he is not happy to just walk away, he wants to destroy you and your reputation. He will turn your friends and your own/his family against you.
Out of loyalty you won't talk behind his back so no one believes you when you try to explain what went on in the relationship. He has already told everyone who will listen that you're a paranoid psychopath who has made his life hell, so anything you say is taken as being vindictive and you're the psycho liar he claims you to be.
He must win, and that means he must take everything from you, your reputation in particular. In his mind if you are of no use to him you're worthless.
He'll take great pleasure in rubbing your nose in his new relationship and blame you for the relationship failing. He'll say how he has met the next love of his life, she is calm and rational, they are soul mates now.
He'll taunt you to kill yourself, accuse you to your face of doing exactly what he did to you, twist the facts to make himself look the victim, he'll never admit to any fault in the relationship and if you're not careful you'll end up friendless with no support system because he carefully planned his exit and will just deny deny deny any of your claims of abuse.
It will be your worst nightmare, like he stepped into the twilight zone and you're helpless against the vindictiveness of the narc. After all who can believe anyone can be that cruel and conniving. That is why only someone who have been there can understand and will believe YOU.
Then, just when you are starting to heal and get your legs under you he'll pop back into your life, professing his love, tears and all, apologising for everything he ever did and you believe your prayers have been answered, the man you fell in love with is back and you fall lovingly into his arms. The arms of a devil.
Be careful, as he holds you telling you how much he loves you and how sorry he is, he's secretly laughing and giving himself a pat on the back for being so clever and irresistible, and planning how he will punish you for being so stupid as to believe him.
In his mind you deserve to be punished for your gullibility and he feels so superior to have that kind of control over you. The cycle begins again only much worse this time.
Please be aware...and talk to me first for I'll never take his BS ever again. If you think this is all you're mistaken. I have a whole file on all his tricks and lies. It will make interesting reading material, for the majority hard to comprehend but it's true.
This relationship will be the roller coaster ride of your life, so buckle up. You'll be physically ill once you step out but you'll survive. Once you get grounded again, it's time to move on, unafraid and positive like you were before he ever entered your life. The ride in itself will give you great insight in yourself and for this we have to be grateful for without him you'd probably had not known.
If you need help I'm here. Just remember: "Silence is GOLDEN, don't talk to him when he's done with you".
As a writer and educator it's hard for me to stay quiet. He has given me the opportunity to develop my writing skills (and maybe that was his part in my life film for I always had the ambition to write but wasn't sure on a subject). Another reason we came into each others live was so to show each other that we're different and not at all compatible. I am an very ambitious woman, make my own money and I continue to search for ways to help other people believe in themselves and do the same. And I think this is where we differ most. I believe in honesty, goodness and togetherness where he remains dishonest, causes pain and says his 'goodbyes' to walk his path all by himself for he'll never truly let someone in. Through this 'pain' he leaves us with we find ourselves (and hopefully one day he'll be ready to confront himself, acknowledge himself and find his true soul).
So I guess he thought that I would be quiet like all others who preceded but in this he's mistaken. I am only trying to help but I will never take him serious again, once the glass (trust) is broken it's hard to repair it again. And if he doesn't want to tell me the truth and continues to BS then he has to take that elsewhere. My part in his life film is done and I wish I could have helped him overcome (maybe I did give him a clue how to look in the right direction, I don't know). I hope I did and if not then I hope you do or someone else.
You know where to find me,
Published by Badass Yoga Rebel, a happy survivor of narcissistic abuse.
About the Author
Badass Yoga Rebel, otherwise known as Corinne Voermans, founder of Happy Buddha Aruba writes about all sorts of topics but primarily about how to maintain a healthy relationship with yourself and others based upon her own life experiences and challenges. With the help of many co-authors its her mission to help and support others going through rough times. May there be light at the end of the stairway to heaven. Realise that before we get there you're going to sweat. The steps can be filled with obstacles. You could fall a couple times by taking a misstep but in the end its about the climb and reaching the top. Don't be scared, you're not alone, others will help you move on so be fearless through the struggles of life for it's the only way of becoming your true authentic self. Namaste